The Mistaken Thief
A few posts ago, I addressed my tendency to white knuckle my life: hold onto everything so tight that nothing gets in or out, that way nothing can change. I’ve pushed and pulled the pieces of my life together in such a way that they are exactly as I like them, sweat beading and dripping down my face, forcing things to be even if they aren’t meant to. They look good on the outside, so I hand pick them, and because I believe myself to be so strong, I force them to make them work.
However, as I’ve become weary from the pushing, pulling, and holding in place, I’ve become weaker, more tired, muscles fighting until failure. It’s like pumping out the last rep with everything you have let, but then there’s no relief. You have to keep doing that rep again and again and again, no matter how bad it hurts. And I’ll admit, I’m in pain. My body, mind, and heart are tired. Exhausted. Shaky from all the heavy lifting, squeezing, and maneuvering the good things in my life together to satisfying my inner control freak, although she’s never quite satisfied.
But my heart keeps whispering, These things are good but are they best? Will you rest and find out?Will you let the pieces fall together where they ought to be? I croak out my response through gritted teeth: How do I know how it’s supposed to be? That’s what I’m trying to find by holding these pieces together. My heart replies, All the pieces are here and you’re making them fit, but they will fit a better way if you let them fall where they ought.
Letting go doesn’t mean losing or being stripped away, robbed of joy. It means falling into place. Or maybe even floating – gliding into the segments that were supposed to fit together all along. You had all the ingredients but instead of following the recipe, step by step, you looked to the end product and tried to figure it out on your own, too busy with your head down and furrowed brow, to look up and see that everything you needed to create this master pieces was sitting right in front of you, patiently waiting for you to get tired enough to look up and ask, please, help.
It’s been a frantic year, hasn’t it? Moving and changing and falling flat on your face, squashing your heart and desires out of fear. But my sweet, sweet girl, God has blessed you and He’s not a thief. He has blessed you for your joy AND His. Blessings aren’t just a byproduct of His goodness that happen accidentally; they are chosen by Him and guided, given with intentionality, each detail purposed before you had any idea it’d be coming your way. And now He’s asking you if He can take the reins because He has a better way of fitting all the pieces of blessing together. And instead of relinquishing the pieces from your white knuckled hands, you cling to the pieces for dear life, back to head-down-frantic-scrambling, sweating bullets down your cheeks, trying to find the exact formula, the “right way”, to make the change with the least amount of pain, but not necessarily the least amount of resistance, instead of allowing God to fit them together, smoothly, gently to create the bigger picture – what you’ve wanted all along.
Hear me here: God’s will has less to do with the direction of your life and more to do with the freedom of your heart. As you’ve been anxious and dreadful and pulling away out of fear of loss of the love and life you think you’ve cultivated on your own, God has simply asked to set you free from the worry. To fulfill the prayers that you’ve been asking for all along. He wants your heart, not your blessings. He wants your best. He wants you.
Letting go and letting Him in may feel uncomfortable – you have to make room and that requires change. But as He slays your demons you’ve locked up in cages, you’ll learn that keeping the demons locked up and controlled isn’t freedom. It’s still bondage; they are inside you. But to let them go means to let them out. Do you trust him to keep your heart safe? To bring the healing that you’ve asked for? To keep the good and rid you of the bad to bring your best?
You’ve been so worried about what you have a say in that you’ve become paralyzed, immovable. Now you have a choice because He won’t do it without your permission. Are you ready to use your love of control to finally get what your heart is yearning for?